Through the Fringe of Madness
I heard whisperings of a "Strange Door" in "Niben Bay" which seems like an oddly specific whisper to hear as far as whisperings go. I went out to that area and slaughtered some mudcrabs and swam out to this brand new island that had appeared (the whisperings had not mentioned the island). It was a long swim, but I can breathe under water, so it ain't no thing. I climb onto the land and see a big portal thing. Next to the portal I see a few people doing weird Oblivion-NPC-like things. One of them is named Gaius and he murders a dude with cool hair right in front of me. And I'm like whoah, okay, lets go through this portal.
So now I guess I'm in 'The Fringe" and this bald dude named Haskill is sitting behind a desk. He tells me, "Do sit down," even though I'm already sitting down. Too quick for Haskill! He says he's the Doorkeeper and I have to go to the Gatekeeper next, or something. That's a shitload of security for DLC that cost me $15. I convince the guy to let me through the door and he does, exploding the room into a hilltop full of butterflies. I grab the important-looking book off his desk and throw it down into the rocks below.
I head a bit down the only path I see and the battle music kicks in. Below me is a bad guy creature thing standing next to a pool. The thing looks like the Swamp Thing and is apparently called a Grummite Whelp. I kill it surprisingly easily considering I have shit for health potions. It drops a "Grummite Dagger" which instantly becomes the best weapon I have and is cool-looking to boot. As I'm equipping this, I notice another creature. A "Young Baliwog." Dead. In the pool of water. Spread eagle.
Okay.
I suddenly realize that I've forgotten how to use my map! Could it be the foggy atmosphere affecting my senses?! Or could it be that I'm now spoiled by the far superior Pip-Boy in Fallout 3? Probably that.
I encounter my first town: Passwall. Oh, I bet the gate is here. A wall-like gate perhaps? That I will have to "pass?!" Clever, guys. The mayor of Passwall has an afro. I speechcraft the shit out of him. He still doesn't really tell me anything important.
Passwall has three houses. Some town you got here, afro-mayor. One house has a hot red-head in it. The other is a store with a merchant elf that sounds like Bea Arthur and some other asshole Nord. The third house i don't bother to look at.
I finally head to the map marker. It's the gate. And the Gatekeeper, a giant beast who murders three adventurers right in front of me. I ask afro-mayor what's up and he tells me to talk to Jayred Ice-Veins (really) if I want to kill that thing and pass through the gates. Jayred is of course the asshole Nord I encountered earlier. He won't stop talking about bones. He thinks we should find some Gatekeeper bones to kill the Gatekeeper with because bones are the best thing to kill with. Apparently there is a special pile of bones in the "Garden of Bones" and we should pick the lock and make some arrows out of the bones. On the way to the bone garden to get bones, Jayred says to me, "If you hear any bones, let me know."
We get to the Garden of Bones. Very easy lock! Takes me three tries. We kill some skeletons and get the special bones. Now I must wait for him to make them into arrows. I decide to wait while staring at that hot red-head.
Back at the red-head's house, I talk to her. She says that Relmyna made the Gatekeepers or something and her tears hurt them and that I should spy on Relmyna. Who is Relmyna!?
I spy on her, she drops a tear-soaked handkerchief which I can't see because the glare on my tv is getting bad and it's a night scene. Still, as soon as the game prompts me that this happened, I haul ass over to the Gatekeeper's feet and pick up the handkerchief. I convert it into 3 bottles of tears. That's a lot of tears! The Gatekeeper chases my ass all the way back to town.
Now I have the tears (yay?) so I go get the arrows from Jayred. I can't find Jayred. I follow the marker and it takes me to Jayred's house. Passwall has four houes?! I must tell afro-mayor!
Jayred gives me the arrows, even though I don't shoot a bow. Whatevs. He joins my party. We step outside. I say, "Wait here, man." I turn around and steal all the good stuff from inside his house (just some potions and repair hammers). I step back outside and accidentally pickpocket him. He seems cool with it though. Time to use them bone arrows.
I use the tears to poison my dagger. The Gatekeeper dies pretty easily. Now I got two bottles of tears just fucking sitting here. Now that the Gatekeeper is dead and in a heap, I notice that he has no face. That's sad as hell. He also ha a giant sword for an arm... That's badass.
Haskill pops up out of nowhere, like almost out of the dead Gatekeeper. He tells me something about Sheogorath and I'm like, okay? He leaves and I can finally grab all of the equipment off those dead adventurers and take them down to Bea Arthur to sell for literally hundreds of dollars. It only takes me three trips, because I'm a total pussy. Before I go through the gate, I goof with the nude adventurers' bodies. Bahahaha.
I head into Dementia.
I heard whisperings of a "Strange Door" in "Niben Bay" which seems like an oddly specific whisper to hear as far as whisperings go. I went out to that area and slaughtered some mudcrabs and swam out to this brand new island that had appeared (the whisperings had not mentioned the island). It was a long swim, but I can breathe under water, so it ain't no thing. I climb onto the land and see a big portal thing. Next to the portal I see a few people doing weird Oblivion-NPC-like things. One of them is named Gaius and he murders a dude with cool hair right in front of me. And I'm like whoah, okay, lets go through this portal.
So now I guess I'm in 'The Fringe" and this bald dude named Haskill is sitting behind a desk. He tells me, "Do sit down," even though I'm already sitting down. Too quick for Haskill! He says he's the Doorkeeper and I have to go to the Gatekeeper next, or something. That's a shitload of security for DLC that cost me $15. I convince the guy to let me through the door and he does, exploding the room into a hilltop full of butterflies. I grab the important-looking book off his desk and throw it down into the rocks below.
I head a bit down the only path I see and the battle music kicks in. Below me is a bad guy creature thing standing next to a pool. The thing looks like the Swamp Thing and is apparently called a Grummite Whelp. I kill it surprisingly easily considering I have shit for health potions. It drops a "Grummite Dagger" which instantly becomes the best weapon I have and is cool-looking to boot. As I'm equipping this, I notice another creature. A "Young Baliwog." Dead. In the pool of water. Spread eagle.
Okay.
I suddenly realize that I've forgotten how to use my map! Could it be the foggy atmosphere affecting my senses?! Or could it be that I'm now spoiled by the far superior Pip-Boy in Fallout 3? Probably that.
I encounter my first town: Passwall. Oh, I bet the gate is here. A wall-like gate perhaps? That I will have to "pass?!" Clever, guys. The mayor of Passwall has an afro. I speechcraft the shit out of him. He still doesn't really tell me anything important.
Passwall has three houses. Some town you got here, afro-mayor. One house has a hot red-head in it. The other is a store with a merchant elf that sounds like Bea Arthur and some other asshole Nord. The third house i don't bother to look at.
I finally head to the map marker. It's the gate. And the Gatekeeper, a giant beast who murders three adventurers right in front of me. I ask afro-mayor what's up and he tells me to talk to Jayred Ice-Veins (really) if I want to kill that thing and pass through the gates. Jayred is of course the asshole Nord I encountered earlier. He won't stop talking about bones. He thinks we should find some Gatekeeper bones to kill the Gatekeeper with because bones are the best thing to kill with. Apparently there is a special pile of bones in the "Garden of Bones" and we should pick the lock and make some arrows out of the bones. On the way to the bone garden to get bones, Jayred says to me, "If you hear any bones, let me know."
We get to the Garden of Bones. Very easy lock! Takes me three tries. We kill some skeletons and get the special bones. Now I must wait for him to make them into arrows. I decide to wait while staring at that hot red-head.
Back at the red-head's house, I talk to her. She says that Relmyna made the Gatekeepers or something and her tears hurt them and that I should spy on Relmyna. Who is Relmyna!?
I spy on her, she drops a tear-soaked handkerchief which I can't see because the glare on my tv is getting bad and it's a night scene. Still, as soon as the game prompts me that this happened, I haul ass over to the Gatekeeper's feet and pick up the handkerchief. I convert it into 3 bottles of tears. That's a lot of tears! The Gatekeeper chases my ass all the way back to town.
Now I have the tears (yay?) so I go get the arrows from Jayred. I can't find Jayred. I follow the marker and it takes me to Jayred's house. Passwall has four houes?! I must tell afro-mayor!
Jayred gives me the arrows, even though I don't shoot a bow. Whatevs. He joins my party. We step outside. I say, "Wait here, man." I turn around and steal all the good stuff from inside his house (just some potions and repair hammers). I step back outside and accidentally pickpocket him. He seems cool with it though. Time to use them bone arrows.
I use the tears to poison my dagger. The Gatekeeper dies pretty easily. Now I got two bottles of tears just fucking sitting here. Now that the Gatekeeper is dead and in a heap, I notice that he has no face. That's sad as hell. He also ha a giant sword for an arm... That's badass.
Haskill pops up out of nowhere, like almost out of the dead Gatekeeper. He tells me something about Sheogorath and I'm like, okay? He leaves and I can finally grab all of the equipment off those dead adventurers and take them down to Bea Arthur to sell for literally hundreds of dollars. It only takes me three trips, because I'm a total pussy. Before I go through the gate, I goof with the nude adventurers' bodies. Bahahaha.
I head into Dementia.
