Kijan
Rookie
It's been a long time since I've written something here. I don't know why really … maybe it is because of real life obligations; maybe it is because of my laziness to write something. Who knows? I still remember my vow to write something here every month though. Ha – ha, time and time again I experience how life so easily fucks up my plans. Kinds of ridiculous really, like fighting a lion with screaming. Maybe you will scream hard and loud enough to get the beast to the ground and make it become submissive, but most of the time, if not all it’s just going to rip you to shreds. Also maybe eat you. Depends on the mood. I didn’t write anything worthy yet I know ... but I’m more of venting myself here. I’m not angry at the world or someone mind you. I’m angry at myself. Myself. Maybe I’m writing this because I wish to become on terms with myself. He – he, writing a letter to myself. How original. You guys are probably thinking that I must be a lunatic by know. If you are not I bless your kind heart, if you are then you are probably not far away from the truth. Maybe we’re a little bit made or maybe it’s just me trying to make it easier for myself. Once again, who knows?
How long have I been a gamer? I still remember playing on my very first Gameboy in 1995, when I was a little toddler. I was barely four then and was already proud of myself for beating Warioworld. Since then I’ve been hooked. Played through a lot of games, some were good, some were bad, some ugly. But it’s always going to be that way. What would be our world without diversity? Monotone and boring, that’s what. But after being 15 years and avid gamer I started to ask myself what did gaming really bring me. The answer or better said answers to this question were quite shocking. I realized how much time I wasted on gaming. How much time I could be doing something else, something more productive, something that would help me in my career in the future far, far ahead. I was angry at myself. Angry for being such a delusional kid, angry for costing my parents so much money. They were great really, the bought me everything I wanted. I was one of the few kids in post socialist/communist Slovenia that had parents with enough money to buy their child they toy he wishes, the toy he wants. But stuff was damn expensive and even they only had limited money. I realized how much money was spent/wasted on my particular ‘toys’. I had a Gameboy, a Gameboy Mini, a Gameboy Color, a Gameboy Advance, Nintendo DS, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Gamecube, Wii, Playstation 1, 2, 3, PSP, Xbox 360 and games ranging from 5 to 30. The only thing I didn’t have or don’t have is the original Xbox because the game library it had didn’t appeal to me. I really enjoyed the PS2 and still do because it offered me and still offers one of the best gaming experiences of my life. We shouldn’t forget the PC of course. I think most of my games are for the PC and PS2 and after I’ve added all the money that went for all of this I felt kind of bad. Kind of spoiled, kind of like being a thief. I surely cost my parents over 10000 Euros for all this. Probably a lot more because I didn’t calculate thoroughly. After coming to this sudden realization I just wanted to sell everything and start working to pay my parents off for everything they did for me. I just felt like an ordinary parasite leeching of my parents’ hard earned money. They are both doctors and in the current system they must sweat blood and tears for every fucking Euro they make. Dad usually goes at 7 in the morning and arrives 8 or 9 in the evening. My mother has her own office so she’s a bit more flexible but still works of like an idiot and even manages to take the time to study with my younger brother or help him do his homework. Let’s not forget the housework. I really admire her and my father. They are my idols and I’ll do everything that I can in order to try and be so disciplined, hardworking, loving, caring as they are. The parents I have are really one in a million, no fuck it ... one in a billion. I try to help them by doing everything I can in order to get a bit of the weight of their shoulder but it always feels like I’m not doing enough.
It was more or less already decided then, I started piling up my games, systems, blah, blah in order to sell them when one of the games slipped through my hand and fell on the floor. I picked it up and stared at the cover for minutes that seemed to last for an eternity. It was one of my favourite games ... Final Fantasy 10. Before you start laughing at me this was my first RPG PS2 game. After playing this game I started to dig deeper into this rich and fine universe and it is thanks to this game that I’ve discovered gems like Chronno Trigger, Golden Sun, The Elder Scrolls, Fallout and such. It was also a game which caused a change in me way back, when I was in my ground school years at the age of 12. This game changed me, this game made me for who I am today and still changes me.
I was fat when I was little, really, really fat and of course my schoolmates made fun of me. Who wouldn’t tell jokes about the fat kid? Everyone loves to do it. I was left out, casted out, with no friends and every day was like a torture. Cried lots of times. I couldn’t run as fast as them, couldn’t play soccer with them because they didn’t wish to play with me, neither basketball, volleyball, tennis ... nothing. The only refugee from this hell I had was in games. Games were my escape until this game, Final Fantasy 10. Auron was and still is my saviour.
"Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain, or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!"
This is his quote and I remember the scene and these exact words even today and they changed me. After playing this game to the end I realized that by only sulking and crying over my current fate I’ll change nothing. I’ll have to grab into my hands and shape it into what I want it to be. So I did. I started doing more and more sports until I lost so much weight and gained so much stamina that the other boys couldn’t keep up with me anymore. Now I’ve made a lot of friends and things have turned for the better.
But it seems like I’ll have to hear Aurons voice yet again because things have become a bit gloomy right now. I’ve been accepted into med school and shit has gotten real. Exams after exams, tests after test with little or no pause between them. It’s exhausting. And I have little if no time to do my favourite hobby, to play games. Even have troubles in the friends department. After how much I did for some of them in my high school years, after how much shit I’ve put with them through, how much I’ve helped them when their situation almost was pointless or lent them my ear to listen to their troubles while I could have been doing something else they didn’t send me a text or message on wishing me Merry Christmas or Happy New Year while I did send it to them. After high school we all went to different schools and I’ve tried organizing something in order for us to meet, like playing soccer, going out or so, but they always complained, always said how they could have done it better but never do etc. Maybe I’m a bit egoistical here and if you think so I’m sorry. Don’t want to be, but is it too much to ask for a happy wish after you’ve done the same? Won’t even call me if they go out and then I get such information from other people that they were out without saying so. Is this fair? I’m not angry at them. I’m angry at myself for being such a pussy and not saying ‘fuck you’ into their face. Sometimes I think I’m too naive, which probably I am and maybe I’ll have to change this if I wish to avoid such complications in the future. Sometimes maybe a nice and honest ‘fuck you and fuck off’ in the face is needed to maintain a healthy relationship. I’ll have to think this through.
School and friendship problems. Deadly combination. Got little free time and friends I don’t know what to think about anymore.
Seems like I’ll have to stop sulking yet again. I’ll have to grab this son of a bitch that’s called fate by the head and make it bow down before me if need to. For school problems I’ll just to set my priorities straight, knowing when I must learn and when I can play. Of course I’d love to play 24/7, who doesn’t? But I’ll have to accept the fact that I won’t be able to even I would wish to so God damn badly. And about the friend problem ... I’ll have to clean the dirt that’s between us and set things straight. Either this or go look for new friends. I’ve done my share for them. Heck, I did everything for them and in return they have yet to do something for me. I’m not kidding. This is true. THEY DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME EXCEPT FOR COSTING ME MY TIME, MONEY AND NERVES. I organized parties, trips, meetings, went to teachers and convinced them to give them another chance and not letting them fail their exams ... after thinking how much I did, I’m a bit amazed myself.
After this I’m going to study hard and disciplined to become a good doctor, a fucking good doctor so I’ll be able to support my girlfriend, myself and my family to be. And I will repay my parents because they deserve every fricking penny they have ever given to me. These are my New Year’s resolutions and I swear to God that I’ll see them through.
I swear to God and everyone I hold dear in my heart, including you guys.
If you’ve read this to the end ... thank you. I had to vent, because it was really piling inside of me. Sorry if it isn’t the quality of some of the posters here. My posts probably never will be, though I’ll try. I’ll definitely try and do my best.
Again you have my deepest gratitude for reading through all this shit. Maybe you can even add a though or two? Maybe it will help me in the long run. Who knows?
Love,
Kijan
P.S. Sorry for the spelling mistakes. This was written in one hour with no pause in between for checking the spelling or grammar. Sorry.
How long have I been a gamer? I still remember playing on my very first Gameboy in 1995, when I was a little toddler. I was barely four then and was already proud of myself for beating Warioworld. Since then I’ve been hooked. Played through a lot of games, some were good, some were bad, some ugly. But it’s always going to be that way. What would be our world without diversity? Monotone and boring, that’s what. But after being 15 years and avid gamer I started to ask myself what did gaming really bring me. The answer or better said answers to this question were quite shocking. I realized how much time I wasted on gaming. How much time I could be doing something else, something more productive, something that would help me in my career in the future far, far ahead. I was angry at myself. Angry for being such a delusional kid, angry for costing my parents so much money. They were great really, the bought me everything I wanted. I was one of the few kids in post socialist/communist Slovenia that had parents with enough money to buy their child they toy he wishes, the toy he wants. But stuff was damn expensive and even they only had limited money. I realized how much money was spent/wasted on my particular ‘toys’. I had a Gameboy, a Gameboy Mini, a Gameboy Color, a Gameboy Advance, Nintendo DS, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Gamecube, Wii, Playstation 1, 2, 3, PSP, Xbox 360 and games ranging from 5 to 30. The only thing I didn’t have or don’t have is the original Xbox because the game library it had didn’t appeal to me. I really enjoyed the PS2 and still do because it offered me and still offers one of the best gaming experiences of my life. We shouldn’t forget the PC of course. I think most of my games are for the PC and PS2 and after I’ve added all the money that went for all of this I felt kind of bad. Kind of spoiled, kind of like being a thief. I surely cost my parents over 10000 Euros for all this. Probably a lot more because I didn’t calculate thoroughly. After coming to this sudden realization I just wanted to sell everything and start working to pay my parents off for everything they did for me. I just felt like an ordinary parasite leeching of my parents’ hard earned money. They are both doctors and in the current system they must sweat blood and tears for every fucking Euro they make. Dad usually goes at 7 in the morning and arrives 8 or 9 in the evening. My mother has her own office so she’s a bit more flexible but still works of like an idiot and even manages to take the time to study with my younger brother or help him do his homework. Let’s not forget the housework. I really admire her and my father. They are my idols and I’ll do everything that I can in order to try and be so disciplined, hardworking, loving, caring as they are. The parents I have are really one in a million, no fuck it ... one in a billion. I try to help them by doing everything I can in order to get a bit of the weight of their shoulder but it always feels like I’m not doing enough.
It was more or less already decided then, I started piling up my games, systems, blah, blah in order to sell them when one of the games slipped through my hand and fell on the floor. I picked it up and stared at the cover for minutes that seemed to last for an eternity. It was one of my favourite games ... Final Fantasy 10. Before you start laughing at me this was my first RPG PS2 game. After playing this game I started to dig deeper into this rich and fine universe and it is thanks to this game that I’ve discovered gems like Chronno Trigger, Golden Sun, The Elder Scrolls, Fallout and such. It was also a game which caused a change in me way back, when I was in my ground school years at the age of 12. This game changed me, this game made me for who I am today and still changes me.
I was fat when I was little, really, really fat and of course my schoolmates made fun of me. Who wouldn’t tell jokes about the fat kid? Everyone loves to do it. I was left out, casted out, with no friends and every day was like a torture. Cried lots of times. I couldn’t run as fast as them, couldn’t play soccer with them because they didn’t wish to play with me, neither basketball, volleyball, tennis ... nothing. The only refugee from this hell I had was in games. Games were my escape until this game, Final Fantasy 10. Auron was and still is my saviour.
"Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain, or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!"
This is his quote and I remember the scene and these exact words even today and they changed me. After playing this game to the end I realized that by only sulking and crying over my current fate I’ll change nothing. I’ll have to grab into my hands and shape it into what I want it to be. So I did. I started doing more and more sports until I lost so much weight and gained so much stamina that the other boys couldn’t keep up with me anymore. Now I’ve made a lot of friends and things have turned for the better.
But it seems like I’ll have to hear Aurons voice yet again because things have become a bit gloomy right now. I’ve been accepted into med school and shit has gotten real. Exams after exams, tests after test with little or no pause between them. It’s exhausting. And I have little if no time to do my favourite hobby, to play games. Even have troubles in the friends department. After how much I did for some of them in my high school years, after how much shit I’ve put with them through, how much I’ve helped them when their situation almost was pointless or lent them my ear to listen to their troubles while I could have been doing something else they didn’t send me a text or message on wishing me Merry Christmas or Happy New Year while I did send it to them. After high school we all went to different schools and I’ve tried organizing something in order for us to meet, like playing soccer, going out or so, but they always complained, always said how they could have done it better but never do etc. Maybe I’m a bit egoistical here and if you think so I’m sorry. Don’t want to be, but is it too much to ask for a happy wish after you’ve done the same? Won’t even call me if they go out and then I get such information from other people that they were out without saying so. Is this fair? I’m not angry at them. I’m angry at myself for being such a pussy and not saying ‘fuck you’ into their face. Sometimes I think I’m too naive, which probably I am and maybe I’ll have to change this if I wish to avoid such complications in the future. Sometimes maybe a nice and honest ‘fuck you and fuck off’ in the face is needed to maintain a healthy relationship. I’ll have to think this through.
School and friendship problems. Deadly combination. Got little free time and friends I don’t know what to think about anymore.
Seems like I’ll have to stop sulking yet again. I’ll have to grab this son of a bitch that’s called fate by the head and make it bow down before me if need to. For school problems I’ll just to set my priorities straight, knowing when I must learn and when I can play. Of course I’d love to play 24/7, who doesn’t? But I’ll have to accept the fact that I won’t be able to even I would wish to so God damn badly. And about the friend problem ... I’ll have to clean the dirt that’s between us and set things straight. Either this or go look for new friends. I’ve done my share for them. Heck, I did everything for them and in return they have yet to do something for me. I’m not kidding. This is true. THEY DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME EXCEPT FOR COSTING ME MY TIME, MONEY AND NERVES. I organized parties, trips, meetings, went to teachers and convinced them to give them another chance and not letting them fail their exams ... after thinking how much I did, I’m a bit amazed myself.
After this I’m going to study hard and disciplined to become a good doctor, a fucking good doctor so I’ll be able to support my girlfriend, myself and my family to be. And I will repay my parents because they deserve every fricking penny they have ever given to me. These are my New Year’s resolutions and I swear to God that I’ll see them through.
I swear to God and everyone I hold dear in my heart, including you guys.
If you’ve read this to the end ... thank you. I had to vent, because it was really piling inside of me. Sorry if it isn’t the quality of some of the posters here. My posts probably never will be, though I’ll try. I’ll definitely try and do my best.
Again you have my deepest gratitude for reading through all this shit. Maybe you can even add a though or two? Maybe it will help me in the long run. Who knows?
Love,
Kijan
P.S. Sorry for the spelling mistakes. This was written in one hour with no pause in between for checking the spelling or grammar. Sorry.
We all have our share of problems and it's GREAT to vent, especially to those who don't know you because they can offer an honest response. 
