How Icepick nearly got a citation for taking a shit

Discussion in 'Films, TV, Music, Books, Etc.' started by Icepick, Oct 17, 2012.

  1. Icepick

    Icepick Rookie

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    Let me start up by saying constipation sucks. because my diet is all over the place and in no way consistent, I've dealt with it before, however after 6 days I realized this was not the standard sit it out and be patient ordeal.

    I ended up going to the hospital, the pain in my abdomen was just way too much to take, and it turns out I had an "impacted bowel". Essentially the plugged up fecal matter turned into granite within the confines of my anus, and was preventing the softer, more malleable content from escaping. Essentially every 5 minutes I was crippled by the feeling of trying to push out a watermelon.

    The poor nurse gave me a suppository, which failed, a fleet enema, which failed, and a gravity fed salt enema, which failed and burned like a motherfucker. Defeated, I hobbled out of the hospital with a prescription for a jug of "lactuose" with very strict instructions to not take more than 4 table spoons a day.

    3 days later, and still unable to sit upright without crying like a little bitch, I got fed up and downed half the bottle. I felt it move, my god my victory is assured! I ran to the bathroom, paper in hand, halfway through a story about legalization or marijuana I felt a burst, and I mean a burst as in a super nova explosion. You could hear the ricochet off the porcelain, or rather you would have if I was not screaming in tongues. According to witnesses, it sounded as if Chewbacca was being slowly killed with a blow torch. If that was the extent of the story I wouldn't feel it worth sharing, however there was still a mass in there, clearly forged in the depths of Mt. Doom.

    I braced my feet against the wall, my veins in my forehead popping, to the few here I've had conversations with, you'll know I have a rather blue collar style of speech, cussing is something that's part of every sentence, I was raised by a trucker after all. Well what spewed from my mouth was nearly as foul as what was flowing from my anal cavity. I screamed every cuss loud as church bells. When it was all over, I was drenched with sweat, huffing and puffing, and sobbing slightly. I felt as if someone took a jackhammer to my asshole. There I stayed for another twenty minutes, partly because clean up was not a two wipe process, and partly because I wasn't sure if I shit out my skeleton or not.

    That's when I heard the authoritative knock that I know to well, the fuzz were at my door. Considering I was bed ridden for a week, I was sure I didn't do anything to upset the law. I wrapped a towel around my waist, and stumbled to the door. Greeted by captain super serious, with his gigantic ass aviators. he looked genuinely concerned over my shambled appearance and pale face.

    My neighbor had phoned the police regarding my cussing. (She's a cunt, twice petitioned to have my dog put down, destroyed my fence, covered my mustang in concrete dust), anyways, the officer asked me outside, in the rain, my legs still wobly, and wrapped only in a towel, to be confronted by Mr. Aviators and the land whale that is my next door neighbor. After being confronted by her about my "brutish" behavior, and having to take a field sobriety test to prove I was actually suffering from a traumatic bowel movement and not "high on the street drugs." The officer seemed intent on issuing me a citation for "disturbance of the peace", or he was until during the field sobriety test I had to stand on on leg and hop. Apparently not all was flushed out of my system, and there on my driveway, in front of my neighbor, a mud monkey slid out and plopped onto the driveway. At that moment the officer believed me to be telling the truth, and my neighbor having already left in disgust, was left without victory.

    The moral of the story, eat your fucking bran, sweet zombie jesus was this the worst experience of my life by far. And while we're at it, anyone know of any delicious recipes I can make to help? I know flax seed, and other tidbits I can use, but this shit is so god damn bland.
     
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  2. De-Ting

    De-Ting Rookie

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    Dude, as soon as you feel another one coming, you need to go over to your neighbor's house to "apologize." Then, without any warning, lower the gates and let loose wherever you might be standing on her property.

    Also, make prune juice your only beverage.
     
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  3. LinksOcarina

    LinksOcarina Rookie

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    My god...that sounded like a painful shit...

    As for your neighbor, yeah, fuck that asshole for calling you for cursing.
     
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  4. Green_Lantern

    Green_Lantern Forum Moderator
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    How the hell can you get disturbing the peace on your own property??


    Amazing story either way.
     
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  5. Paradox

    Paradox Soaring Phoenix

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    I've heard about those kind of blockages. Supposed be to a combination of change in diet, irregular BM schedule and dehydration.

    It sounded beyond painful, but your storytelling is fantastic. Best laugh I've had all day. You should write short stories or articles.
     
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  6. cyberjim2000

    cyberjim2000 Veteran

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    Jesus Christ.
     
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  7. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    Hahaha incredible read!

    I've luckily never had anything like that. I'm scared as hell of it though, sounds utterly painful. I imagine you had the best smoke ever as soon as Mr. Aviators left you alone.
     
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  8. UghRochester

    UghRochester https://www.twitch.tv/ughrochester

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    So, let me get this straight. You had major shit blockage and couldn't shit for a week. Your doctor gave you stuff to make you shit. When you downed half the bottle and begin shitting, your ass exploded. As it was exploding, you cursed so loud that your neighbor overheard you and called the police for disturbing the peace. Did I get that right? Also, what time was this around?
     
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  9. madster111

    madster111 Rookie

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    I've heard horror stories similar to this from aus army people i've talked to, who've had to eat MREs for a while and end up with bleeding assholes.
    Just like to point out at this stage that i am in fact going into the air force simply so i can avoid MREs as much as possible.
     
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  10. Icepick

    Icepick Rookie

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    Ugh, it was 4ish I guess?

    Mattay, I had several smokes, I nodded off out in the smoke room even, I couldn't be bothered to walk 40 feet to my room
     
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  11. Affen

    Affen Rookie

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    Shit happens, but in the cases when it doesn't happen I've found dried fruits are your friend.
     
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  12. UghRochester

    UghRochester https://www.twitch.tv/ughrochester

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    Morning or evening. I can see why she would call the cops in the morning. The again, different states, different laws.
     
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  13. Icepick

    Icepick Rookie

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    evening, she's just a cunt who feels the whole world needs to cater to her

    Also I forgot to tell the tale of Dr. Sausages for fingers and the rectal rape exam, honest to god the worst week of my life
     
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  14. Sightless

    Sightless Rookie

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    Toast is a good way to get the things you need, or some cereals, if you like. Fruits and vegetables are also excellent. A good amount of water intake is also useful in making everything move more smoothly. I'm glad your horror week is over. Let's hope it stays the worst week of your life.
     
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  15. spartan317

    spartan317 Rookie

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    goddamn it icepick I almost choked reading this...

    Also you are not alone sir. They are dark days indeed... I've broken bones that hurt less than what you describe so succinctly
     
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  16. Rainemaida

    Rainemaida Veteran

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  17. UghRochester

    UghRochester https://www.twitch.tv/ughrochester

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    haha
     
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  18. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    I bet he's got a beautiful wife.
     
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  19. maca2kx

    maca2kx Rookie

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    Great read.

    As for diet, I find that dried fruit (prunes are the obvious ones but really raisins, dried apricots and any other dried fruits do the job) do the job. A few months back I had a sudden urge to eat dried fruit. I was regular as clockwork but I turned into a high velocity hose when snacking on apricots. I don't know how I got the underside of the seat but I'm pretty sure that's proof of effect.
     
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  20. used44

    used44 Forum Moderator
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    Hahaha yuuuuck
     
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