Joke 1: "I'm afraid you've only got 3 weeks to live," the doctor told his patient.
"Then I'll take the last two weeks of July and the week between Christmas and New Year's."
Joke 2: Late one foggy night, a Yankees fan and Red Sox fan collide head-on while driving across a bridge. Fortunately, both are unhurt, but their cars are pretty banged up.
"This is a sign," says the Yankees fan, "that we should put away our differences and live as friends instead of rivals."
"You're right," says the Red Sox fan. He pops open his trunk and takes out a bottle of bourbon. "Let's toast our newfound friendship."
The Yankees fan takes a big drink and hands back the bottle. "Your turn!"
"Nah," says the Red Sox fan, tossing the bottle into the river. "I think I'll just wait until the police get here."
Joke 3: Eddie took his girlfreind to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"It was great, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles," she said. "But I just can't understand why they are killing each other over 25 cents."
"What do you mean?" Eddie asked, dumbfounded.
"Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it," she explained. "And then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-looooo! It's only 25 cents!"