Strategy Guide to Life

Discussion in 'Films, TV, Music, Books, Etc.' started by Guan_Yu, Sep 15, 2012.

  1. Guan_Yu

    Guan_Yu Rookie

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    Yo let's post any secrets, tips, tricks, or just uncommon knowledge that could possibly help us all rock this game called life.

    * * * SAVING TIME / ENERGY / SPACE * * *

    Guan_Yu contributed:
    -Take a piss while you brush your teeth in order to save time on both activities.
    -Any flat surface will work as a table. Any one.
    -Speaking of showers, peeing in the shower is absolutely acceptable and will shave precious seconds off of your life. Just be sure to aim for the drain.
    -Wash your dishes as you finish using them. It's gross letting them pile up like that, and it's way easier this way. The same goes for throwing away any trash you produce.
    -If you don't have access to a dryer and need to dry a wet article of clothing, hang that shit over a fan.
    -If you are typing a paper with no font requirements, use a professional font that takes up more space than the standard Times New Roman. Courier New is your best bet for maximum page space consumption.
    -Another great way to fluff a paper is to search all of the punctuation marks in the paper and make them a larger size. Here's a video that goes through all the steps on how to do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKy3RaG3HPo One thing of notice, you do not always have to go just one size up. I played around with this in college and found that depending on the font you use, you can sometimes go up multiple sizes. Just use your better judgement to get the punctuation marks as big as possible without being noticeably larger than the rest of the text.
    -Keep a flash drive on your key chain. You never know when you'll need one, and you'll never lose it (unless you lose your key chain, then you're screwed).
    -If you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, keep your alarm clock as far away from your bed as possible so you have to get out of bed and walk to turn it off. It also helps if you throw your sheets off of your body as soon as you hear it go off.
    Icepick contributed:
    -Reverse your hangers, after you wash your clothes from use and put them back, flip the hanger the other way, at the end of the year, anything on a hanger facing the original way should be given to charity as you obviously don't use it
    -If you need to remember to bring an item with you when you leave the house, leave -your car keys ontop of the item in question
    -To make a drink ice cold in 3 minutes, place the can or cans a pot, covered with ice, fill the pot with two cups of salt and water, voila, 3 minute chiller
    -Late on a paper? Submit a mp3 as a .doc, it'll appear corrupted when opened by the professor, buying you a day or two
    -frozen lock? squirt hand sanitizer on it, the heavy alcohol base should unfreeze it, allowing access
    MattAY contributed:
    - On the topic of DIY mala created, always check inventory. ALWAYS! There's nothing more annoying than knowing you're near the end to your cupboard creation only to find the last piece of wood isnt fucking there.
    - When making rice, instead of just draining the water. Place the rice in a corainder and let it drain slowly. Doing this gets rid of the starch and makes the rice nice and fluffy.
    C_nate contributed:
    If you hate folding all that laundry after it is done, learn to do it like this and it's done in a flash! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5AWQ5aBjgE
    UrbanMasque contributed:
    Open 2 bank accounts. One to dump $50-$100 in every so often, and another to act as your primary expense account.

    * * * SAVING MONEY / FREEBIES * * *

    Icepick contributed:
    -lost your phone charger? Go to a hotel and say you lost yours, it's the most commonly lost item, they'll probably have multiples even
    -Have to cancel a doctors appointment or hotel booking and are too close to the date to avoid a cancellation fee? reschedule for a later date, which is free, then cancel a day or two afterwards
    -Free air for tires, shell gas station pumps have an over ride, press the pump rapidly 3 times, will start up without payment
    Guan_Yu contributed:
    -If you get a drink from a fast food place, save the cup and take it with you (discreetly) the next time you go there. Free refills for life!
    -Put some dryer sheets over a lit lamp for a nice cheap air freshener.
    -Camping equipment is a perfectly suitable replacement for real furniture, and way cheaper/portable.


    * * * HEALTH / HYGIENE * * *

    Guan_Yu contributed:
    -If you run out of deodorant, Gold Bond, Odor Eaters, or baking soda will work in a pinch.
    -Always wear a condom, ALWAYS. No that Doritos bag won't work as a replacement, get your dick away from it.
    -After a night of drinking, drink two glasses of water and take two Advil before going to sleep and you should be hangover-free the next day. If you're ever blessed with a hangover, drink Gatorade and eat something greasy and fattening.
    -If you are prone to heartburn, sleep on your left side to keep the junction between your stomach and esophagus above your stomach acid. Conversely, right-side sleeping aggravates heartburn.
    -Congested sinuses can be cleared up in a number of simple ways. Eating spicy foods or engaging in adrenaline inducing activities like exercise or sex should clear you right up. You can also make your own nasal solution by mixing a quarter teaspoon of salt and a cup of distilled or boiled water (if boiled, let it cool first you dum-dum). Add 5-10 drops to each nostril as symptoms occur.
    -Gargling warm salt water can help relieve a sore throat.
    -The easiest way to get rid of hiccups is to just repeat the word "hiccup" in your head over and over. It sounds pretty silly, but I haven't had a case of the hiccups that lasted longer than 20 seconds in years thanks to this trick.
    Icepick contributed:
    -Place a few pieces of toilet paper in the bowl before doing your number 2's, will prevent splashback
    -Brain freeze from a slushie or ice cream? Press your tongue against the roof of your mouth to remedy it
    -stuck in a sneeze limbo, where you have to sneeze but it's not coming? look into a bright light to trigger the action
    -to prevent acne, sleep with a freshly cleaned towel over your pillow, plus the fabric softener has a delightful smell to soothe you as you await slumber
    MattAY contributed:
    - Always have gum. Imagine you're walking back to the office after eating a hot dog caped in onions, and BAM!! You accidently walk into a hot girl. NAY your DREAM girl. Oh fuck, your breath smells like a Pakistanian's flip-flop....always have gum.
    Optimus-Crime contributed:
    -Carry breath mints and floss, damn you.
    Lien contributed:
    - Wash your hands BEFORE you pee... trust me.
    UrbanMasque contributed:
    Shave the hair near your genitals. Or at least keep them trimmed low.

    * * * RELAXING * * *

    Guan_Yu contributed:
    -The most relaxing way to enjoy a beer is in the shower. Consider the good hygiene a bonus to the most relaxing beer you'll ever have. Similarly, smoking while on the toilet is also very fulfilling. Subtip: You will live a healthier life if you refrain from drinking or smoking.
    -Shirts and pants are annoying. If you are home alone, don't wear them. If some of your bros are around, you can still probably get away going shirtless. Fuck clothes.
    used44 contributed:
    -I'll second the shower beer proposal. There's nothing goddamn better than a shower beer.
    UrbanMasque contributed:
    Whenever you're doing household chores (laundry, cleaning, etc), have a 6 pack. Reward yourself for doing grown up stuff.

    * * * LIFE SECRETS AND OTHER NONSENSE* * *

    Guan_Yu contributed:
    -Orchestra conductors don't actually do anything. They serve no purpose. They just like to get up there and wave their little wands around and act like they're in charge, the fat assholes.
    -When serenading your groceries, keep in mind that most food items prefer the sounds of fine Alpine yodeling. So remember to always yodel at the groceries.


    This is a pretty Goddamn good list so far, but only you guys can keep making it better. Let's have some fun and profoundly improve each other's lives!
     
    #1
  2. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    Haha, great list! And so wise. The first one I do religiusly - 23 seconds is my record.

    - On the topic of DIY mala created, always check inventory. ALWAYS! There's nothing more annoying than knowing you're near the end to your cupboard creation only to find the last piece of wood isnt fucking there.

    - When making rice, instead of just draining the water. Place the rice in a corainder and let it drain slowly. Doing this gets rid of the starch and makes the rice nice and fluffy.

    - Always have gum. Imagine you're walking back to the office after eating a hot dog caped in onions, and BAM!! You accidently walk into a hot girl. NAY your DREAM girl. Oh fuck, your breath smells like a Pakistanian's flip-flop....always have gum.
     
    #2
  3. used44

    used44 Forum Moderator
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    You racist.


    I'll second the shower beer proposal. There's nothing goddamn better than a shower beer.
     
    #3
  4. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    Haha, shit - colander. ;)
     
    #4
  5. Optimus-Crime

    Optimus-Crime Rookie

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    Carry breath mints and floss, damn you.
     
    #5
  6. Icepick

    Icepick Rookie

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    Reverse your hangers, after you wash your clothes from use and put them back, flip the hanger the other way, at the end of the year, anything on a hanger facing the original way should be given to charity as you obviously don't use it

    If you need to remember to bring an item with you when you leave the house, leave your car keys ontop of the item in question

    To make a drink ice cold in 3 minutes, place the can or cans a pot, covered with ice, fill the pot with two cups of salt and water, voila, 3 minute chiller

    Late on a paper? Submit a mp3 as a .doc, it'll appear corrupted when opened by the professor, buying you a day or two

    lost your phone charger? Go to a hotel and say you lost yours, it's the most commonly lost item, they'll probably have multiples even

    Have to cancel a doctors appointment or hotel booking and are too close to the date to avoid a cancellation fee? reschedule for a later date, which is free, then cancel a day or two afterwards

    Free air for tires, shell gas station pumps have an over ride, press the pump rapidly 3 times, will start up without payment

    Place a few pieces of toilet paper in the bowl before doing your number 2's, will prevent splashback

    Brain freeze from a slushie or ice cream? Press your tongue against the roof of your mouth to remedy it

    stuck in a sneeze limbo, where you have to sneeze but it's not coming? look into a bright light to trigger the action

    to prevent acne, sleep with a freshly cleaned towel over your pillow, plus the fabric softener has a delightful smell to soothe you as you await slumber

    frozen lock? squirt hand sanitizer on it, the heavy alcohol base should unfreeze it, allowing access

    need double a batteries but all you have is triple? fill the excess space with tinfoil, allowing you to use whatever battery that can fit into the slot
     
    #6
  7. Guan_Yu

    Guan_Yu Rookie

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    Damn Icepick, that is a wealth of good information. I'm definitely going to use some of those. Here are a few more:

    -If you are prone to heartburn, sleep on your left side to keep the junction between your stomach and esophagus above your stomach acid. Conversely, right-side sleeping aggravates heartburn.

    -Congested sinuses can be cleared up in a number of simple ways. Eating spicy foods or engaging in adrenaline inducing activities like exercise or sex should clear you right up. You can also make your own nasal solution by mixing a quarter teaspoon of salt and a cup of distilled or boiled water (if boiled, let it cool first you dum-dum). Add 5-10 drops to each nostril as symptoms occur.

    -Gargling warm salt water can help relieve a sore throat.

    -If you don't have access to a dryer and need to dry a wet article of clothing, hang that shit over a fan.

    -Put some dryer sheets over a lit lamp for a nice cheap air freshener.

    -If you are typing a paper with no font requirements, use a professional font that takes up more space than the standard Times New Roman. Courier New is your best bet for maximum page space consumption.

    -Another great way to fluff a paper is to search all of the punctuation marks in the paper and make them a larger size. Here's a video that goes through all the steps on how to do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKy3RaG3HPo One thing of notice, you do not always have to go just one size up. I played around with this in college and found that depending on the font you use, you can sometimes go up multiple sizes. Just use your better judgement to get the punctuation marks as big as possible without being noticeably larger than the rest of the text.

    -Keep a flash drive on your key chain. You never know when you'll need one, and you'll never lose it (unless you lose your key chain, then you're screwed).
     
    #7
  8. Guan_Yu

    Guan_Yu Rookie

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    I edited the hell out of the OP to categorize all the tips posted here, as well as who contributed what. Now we have a nice cohesive list that I will update periodically. Shut up, I like organized lists :cry:

    I also forgot to mention one of the most useful tips anyone ever gave me:

    -The easiest way to get rid of hiccups is to just repeat the word "hiccup" in your head over and over. It sounds pretty silly, but I haven't had a case of the hiccups that lasted longer than 20 seconds in years thanks to this trick.
     
    #8
  9. Lien

    Lien Rookie

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    - Wash your hands BEFORE you pee... trust me.
     
    #9
  10. used44

    used44 Forum Moderator
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    Awesome OP!
     
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  11. danielrbischoff

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    I lol'd.
     
    #11
  12. Guan_Yu

    Guan_Yu Rookie

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    Thanks! I was 8 beers in with the original, so it was kind of random and cluttered. After looking at it sober, i wanted to add everyone else's input and organize it just to make it easier.

    And Lien, your advice couldn't be more true and it has been added to the OP.
     
    #12
  13. used44

    used44 Forum Moderator
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    "Reverse your hangers, after you wash your clothes from use and put them back, flip the hanger the other way, at the end of the year, anything on a hanger facing the original way should be given to charity as you obviously don't use it"

    This is pure genius. I'm going to do this to my wife's closet and see if she notices.
     
    #13
  14. Bretimus_v2

    Bretimus_v2 So tired.

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    I forsee bad things occuring in the used household.
     
    #14
  15. lokness

    lokness Rookie

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    lol'd at 'free air' from a gas station. In America they actually charge for that shit? Yikes.

    I disagree on the Condom one though, i say if you're in a stable relationship go in raw, otherwise wrap before the tap!
     
    #15
  16. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    This could very well be my new bible.
     
    #16
  17. C_nate

    C_nate Rookie

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    I posted this over in the DIY thread but I'll post it here too as it is quite the time saver. If you hate folding all that laundry after it is done, learn to do it like this and it's done in a flash!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5AWQ5aBjgE
     
    #17
  18. UrbanMasque

    UrbanMasque Everyone Wears a Mask

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    Whenever you're doing household chores (laundry, cleaning, etc), have a 6 pack. Reward yourself for doing grown up stuff.

    Shave the hair near your genitals. Or at least keep them trimmed low.

    Open 2 bank accounts. One to dump $50-$100 in every so often, and another to act as your primary expense account.
     
    #18
  19. Guan_Yu

    Guan_Yu Rookie

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    Edited the OP again to include all the new tips.

    There's still the unwanted pregnancy issue. I know two people who went in raw and pulled out in time, yet 9 months later along came a bundle of joy. Plus I've had a couple of scares myself, and one girl in particular was hinting very strongly at being pregnant when she knew that she wasn't. In her crazy mind, this would prevent me from leaving her, and I would totally put the blatant lies that made my life hell for several weeks behind me. Fucking looney-toons, she was.

    Although I understand that going in raw feels so much better. Still, it's not worth having an accidental kid. If you are ok with the risks and she keeps herself properly clean (and she should, because that's just nasty otherwise), go raw for oral and anal sex, but I still highly recommend the connie for vaginal intercourse.

    I also do this next tip every day and somehow forgot about it. Not really profoundly clever or anything, but:

    -If you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, keep your alarm clock as far away from your bed as possible so you have to get out of bed and walk to turn it off. It also helps if you throw your sheets off of your body as soon as you hear it go off.
     
    #19
  20. danielrbischoff

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    Love the OP.
     
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