JOKETIME: A guy goes to the doctor...

Discussion in 'Films, TV, Music, Books, Etc.' started by Silios, Aug 21, 2011.

  1. Silios

    Silios Rookie

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    ...doctor says "you need to stop masturbating!"

    and the guy says "why?!"

    and the doctor says "because I'm trying to give you a physical."
     
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  2. Longo_2_guns

    Longo_2_guns Forum Moderator
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    A man comes across a lamp. He rubs it, and two blonde genies pop out, offering him three wishes. He makes his three wishes, and walks home.

    When he gets there, his house has been replaced with a huge mansion, filled with beautiful women all in love with him, with the floor covered in $100 bills. He hears a knock at his door, and opening it, two KKK members pull him from his home and hang him from a tree. The KKK members remove their masks, revealing the blonde genies. One turned to the other, perplexed.

    "I get why he asked to be rich, and why he asked for beautiful women to love him, but why did he want to be hung like a black man?"
     
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  3. intoTheRain

    intoTheRain Regular

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    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Dwayne
    Dwayne who?
    Dwayne the tub I'm dwowning!
     
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  4. Silios

    Silios Rookie

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    So some helium walk into a bar.


    Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another object to contain it, should quickly dissipate. Furthermore, a cloud of helium, lacking any sort of motor system, is at the mercy of atmospheric currents and cannot enter a bar under its own power. It should not have been capable of opening the door to the bar. Even if it could, hypothetically, propel itself in such a manner, the lack of any semblance of a nervous system would make meaningful coordination difficult, if not impossible. And, if the cloud of helium has no nervous system, how can it think to enter a bar? How can it be self-conscious enough to know that it desires a drink? To question it is to question the nature of the self itself. What is the self? Is the self the physical body? But when the body is wounded, and, say, a limb is lost, the removed tissue is no longer considered part of the self. Is the self the consciousness? Yet nobody denies that an individual is no longer himself when he sleeps. Is the self a spiritual force, invisible and nebulous like the helium which provokes these questions? No scientific, empirical evidence of such exists; it is the domain of scholars, priests, and mortals who chase the shadows of the unknown. Who could say? It is a question that mankind has struggled to solve since the dawn of time without success.

    The bartender is facing an existential crisis when he recalls the bar's policy towards noble gases and his psyche is once again put at ease. "You're going to have to leave, we don't serve your kind here," he says, grunting at the mass of atoms.

    The helium doesn't react.
     
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  5. kingg5

    kingg5 Rookie

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    All my jokes will get me banned
     
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  6. Silios

    Silios Rookie

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    An elderly gentleman, frustrated with the lack of sexual activity he can induce in his wife visits the doctor.

    The doctor listens to his story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a large white towel over you.

    That should help your wife achieve orgasm.

    He goes home, and persuades his wife to follow the doctor's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and that night they get into bed.

    The young man waves his towel for 10 minutes, but no avail; the wife still cannot orgasm.

    So the husband says to the man: "Alright, this is useless. Switch places, you get into bed with my wife, and I'll do the towel waving."

    30 seconds after the husband starts waving, the wife screams with pleasure, and starts to orgasm.

    The husband, smiling then turns to the man and says "You see?!! THAT's how you wave a f******* towel!"
     
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  7. Rakon

    Rakon Rookie

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    What happens when a vampire falls out of a boat?

    Nothing, vampires don't exist.


    Knock Knock,

    Come in.


    What's green on top, brown on the bottom, and will kill you if it fell out of a tree?

    A pool table.


    What's green and has 4 wheels?

    Grass. I lied about the wheels.


    How do you confuse a blonde?

    Paint yourself purple and throw forks at her
     
    #7
  8. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

    AND A CLASSIC:

    a man walks into a mental asylum wearing nothing but see-through pants. A doctor there walks up to him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts!"
     
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  9. Wes

    Wes Rookie

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    orange you glad I didn't say banana! hahahah

    oh wait, I mean knock knock... Aw hell I screwed it up.
     
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  10. intoTheRain

    intoTheRain Regular

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    Knock knock
    Who's there
    Interrupting cow
    Interrupti- MOO!
     
    #10
  11. Robmiester

    Robmiester Rookie

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    How do you confuse a woman? Give her a choice!
    Why haven't sent a woman to the moon yet? It doesn't need to be cleaned!!!
     
    #11
  12. Bretimus_v2

    Bretimus_v2 So tired.

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    ¿Qué dices si tu amigo se cae in el agua?
    Nada.
     
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  13. GiftedMonkey

    GiftedMonkey Rookie

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    A husband is driving with his wife, when suddenly they get pulled over. The cop walks up to their car and says "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No officer," the man replies. The cop says "We are doing random safety checks, and since you and your wife are both wearing your seatbelts, you pass. It comes with a prize of $100. So what do you plan to do with the money?" The man says "I can finally go to driver's ed and get my license!" "Don't listen to him officer," the wife pipes up from the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk."
     
    #13
  14. Daddio

    Daddio Regular

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    GiftedMonkey, you win!
     
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  15. StickyGreenGamer

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    A guy goes to the doctor, "Doctor, I need your help. I've got a real problem you see, my penis is orange!"

    The doctor is stumped, so he starts asking questions.

    "How's your sex life?"

    "Well, my ex was real bad and dirty, but I broke up with her a month ago, met this new girl and she is great."

    "Mhmm, well, hows your work life?

    "I just got fired and was real depressed. But then I found a new job, better hours, easier work, more pay."

    The doctor is stumped, so he asks him one final question.

    "You have any strange hobbies?"

    "Strange, no. But I do like to eat Cheetos while watching porno flicks."
     
    #15
  16. intoTheRain

    intoTheRain Regular

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    I was assuming the jokes punchline was going to be something about the guy having sex with snookie.
     
    #16
  17. StickyGreenGamer

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    I heard this joke when I was 13. We didn't have Snookie. There was Snooky's, but that is just the bikini bar up the street. To be fair, they are of similar quality.
     
    #17
  18. DocMoc

    DocMoc Rookie

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    I was just going to post this! Great minds think alike.
     
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  19. cyberjim2000

    cyberjim2000 Veteran

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    What does the rabbit use to keep his fur in place?

    Hare spray.

    ...

    ...

    Okay, I got that from a Popsicle stick.
     
    #19
  20. kingg5

    kingg5 Rookie

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    What you tell a women with two black eyes

    Nothing you already told her twice
     
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