How laughing will net you a week long suspension from work

Discussion in 'Films, TV, Music, Books, Etc.' started by Icepick, Mar 12, 2013.

  1. Icepick

    Icepick Rookie

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    So, my job sucks, the pay is shit, the hours long, the coworkers retarded. There's a small group of sane people who huddle together, and the rest 140 or so employees are dumb as bricks or somehow think they're important to the company while really contributing nothing. One sped we'll name Eric, Eric thinks he's hot shit in a champagne glass, when really he's cold diarrhea in a dixie cup. He wears a suit to a minimum wage desk job, proclaims to everyone he will be future management (despite working there for 4 years and in 4 months I've moved beyond entry level and he still is stuck in there)

    Eric also spends the rest of his day complaining to management about anyone and everyone, all the while bragging about his girlfriend, a coworker who at one time was cute, but years of being catered to has left her with the dreaded gut cunt, or gunt if you will. We decided to get back at him, and Josh our lovable hefty coworker hasn't been laid in a while, clearly Gunt and Josh needed to knock boots. I arranged the scheduling so Eric's training would take him till midnight, and gave Gunt, Josh and a few of our colleagues an early night, to the bar we go, and literally in 3 drinks Gunt was blowing Josh out back, when Eric finally arrived. In a fit of threats and tears he left, Josh told Gunt to GTFO as well, and we enjoyed our evening ignoring the fact we just partook in childish high-school drama.

    The next day Josh was let go due to complaints from another coworker about behavior towards him. Josh was pretty devastated, and by that he laughed, he'll make as much on unemployment as we do, but he can sit around all day fucking Gunt.

    Even though we technically started this, we felt we had to get even, and if classic office/university movies have taught me anything, they only way to break even is to use exlax. I'm not sure on what the effective dose is, but apparently 6 tablets in a coffee left unattended is too many. Our work bathrooms are actually in another office, which closes after 6, it's a long walk to the next serviceable location, the time to strike was now.

    A clearly audible stomach grumble, sounding akin to a dying calf announced that stage 2 of the plan was in effect, Eric cursed, left his work station unattended (which is against company policy and part of my weekly review notes) and ran, ran like the wind, nearly knocking over a preggo girl in the process. I went out for a smoke break with a few friends and came back to Eric waiting at the main entrance, teary eyed and beat red. Apparently he forgot his swipe card to gain access inside, being the dutiful employee I am, I advised him to look at the sign on the right, that says no entry without a security card, Eric than punched me square in the chest.

    Before I had a chance to complain, or retaliate, the smell hit me, a god awful smell of shame and digested mac and cheese, I calmly and discreetly yelled "what the fuck did you shit yourself?", Eric threatened to remove some limb, I can't recall which, as he waddled past me, and thats when I barreled over laughing, it was a bad day to wear khakis, and it wasn't something discreet either, it chose the right leg as it's highway out of his pants and left a long, horrid, chunky smear down the leg to a small pool at his ankle/inside his shoe.

    Eager to help my fellow employee in a difficulty situation, I broke down laughing, literally rolling o the floor laughing, as everyone else looked on and poor Eric waddled slowly to grab his coat, leaving a shit stain wherever his right foot landed.

    Long story short he called HR and said I handled it poorly, although they too were laughing at they read out the report he filed, all in all I get a week off, what shall I do friends?
     
    #1
  2. De-Ting

    De-Ting Rookie

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    Man, you and feces. It's a good thing you like them, because they seem to make up most of your social life. :p
     
    #2
  3. Chris_Crime

    Chris_Crime Rookie

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    Re: How laughing will net you a week long suspension from wo

    dat dry delivery
    [​IMG]


    post dog pics

    edited by your friendly neighborhood moderating team
     
    #3
  4. Mod-Chip

    Mod-Chip Rookie

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    I will never be the voice of reason around here, but poisoning a co-worker because you don't like him...way to go. :roll:
     
    #4
  5. Chris_Crime

    Chris_Crime Rookie

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    post cat pics

    edited by your friendly neighborhood moderating team
     
    #5
  6. Icepick

    Icepick Rookie

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    you fuck strangers you met online, I make people shit their pants, let society judge who's creepier and who's more comedic
     
    #6
  7. UghRochester

    UghRochester https://www.twitch.tv/ughrochester

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    Shit happens.
     
    #7
  8. madster111

    madster111 Rookie

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    Ahh, see this was the kind've thread i needed. Get home from a long-ass day of working and driving, get on GR and see a story - i almost TL;DR'd but ended up reading it, and i'm glad i did. That laugh was a good one.

    And then i scrolled down and saw chris' posts and laughed even harder.

    Thanks guys.

    Also,
    Every party needs a pooper, that's why they invited you.
     
    #8
  9. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    Pffffft-hahahahahaha! The Hangover guys should write a film about you.

    PS - you are also a bellend!
     
    #9
  10. Mod-Chip

    Mod-Chip Rookie

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    One is illegal and one isn't. I'll take my chances. :)
     
    #10
  11. Eyebrowsbvv31

    Eyebrowsbvv31 Rookie

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    Drugs are bad

    And BBK is a fucking sandy vagina
     
    #11
  12. Eyebrowsbv31

    Eyebrowsbv31 Rookie

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    Drugs are quite useful, and should be legal.

    BBK is a fucking sandy vagina though, along with urbs.
     
    #12
  13. UrbanMasque

    UrbanMasque Everyone Wears a Mask

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    Re: How laughing will net you a week long suspension from wo

    [picture needed]
     
    #13
  14. Icepick

    Icepick Rookie

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    Re: How laughing will net you a week long suspension from wo

    [​IMG]

    I don't have one of her, if I started sneaking pictures of coworkers I'd be as creepy as BBK
     
    #14
  15. UrbanMasque

    UrbanMasque Everyone Wears a Mask

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    of the gunt in reference.
     
    #15
  16. spartan317

    spartan317 Rookie

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    Someday Icepick you will come home and there will be a fat bowl, six pack in the fridge and a "massage therapist" all waiting to give you a happy end to your day...

    This will be my thanks to you for making this day bearable...
     
    #16
  17. daverabbit

    daverabbit Rookie

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    That was better then an episode of Workaholics.
     
    #17
  18. LinksOcarina

    LinksOcarina Rookie

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    I say go out and explore the world.

    Travel somewhere for a day. And try not to murder stupid people.
     
    #18
  19. Master_Craig

    Master_Craig Forum Moderator
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    That is a horrible, horrible story.

    And I laughed a lot at it.

    As for your week off - do something fun and creative. Take some photos. Try some drawing or painting. Maybe this story of yours could be turned into ILLUSTRATIVE FORM? :D
     
    #19

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