Icepick
Rookie
So, my job sucks, the pay is shit, the hours long, the coworkers retarded. There's a small group of sane people who huddle together, and the rest 140 or so employees are dumb as bricks or somehow think they're important to the company while really contributing nothing. One sped we'll name Eric, Eric thinks he's hot shit in a champagne glass, when really he's cold diarrhea in a dixie cup. He wears a suit to a minimum wage desk job, proclaims to everyone he will be future management (despite working there for 4 years and in 4 months I've moved beyond entry level and he still is stuck in there)
Eric also spends the rest of his day complaining to management about anyone and everyone, all the while bragging about his girlfriend, a coworker who at one time was cute, but years of being catered to has left her with the dreaded gut cunt, or gunt if you will. We decided to get back at him, and Josh our lovable hefty coworker hasn't been laid in a while, clearly Gunt and Josh needed to knock boots. I arranged the scheduling so Eric's training would take him till midnight, and gave Gunt, Josh and a few of our colleagues an early night, to the bar we go, and literally in 3 drinks Gunt was blowing Josh out back, when Eric finally arrived. In a fit of threats and tears he left, Josh told Gunt to GTFO as well, and we enjoyed our evening ignoring the fact we just partook in childish high-school drama.
The next day Josh was let go due to complaints from another coworker about behavior towards him. Josh was pretty devastated, and by that he laughed, he'll make as much on unemployment as we do, but he can sit around all day fucking Gunt.
Even though we technically started this, we felt we had to get even, and if classic office/university movies have taught me anything, they only way to break even is to use exlax. I'm not sure on what the effective dose is, but apparently 6 tablets in a coffee left unattended is too many. Our work bathrooms are actually in another office, which closes after 6, it's a long walk to the next serviceable location, the time to strike was now.
A clearly audible stomach grumble, sounding akin to a dying calf announced that stage 2 of the plan was in effect, Eric cursed, left his work station unattended (which is against company policy and part of my weekly review notes) and ran, ran like the wind, nearly knocking over a preggo girl in the process. I went out for a smoke break with a few friends and came back to Eric waiting at the main entrance, teary eyed and beat red. Apparently he forgot his swipe card to gain access inside, being the dutiful employee I am, I advised him to look at the sign on the right, that says no entry without a security card, Eric than punched me square in the chest.
Before I had a chance to complain, or retaliate, the smell hit me, a god awful smell of shame and digested mac and cheese, I calmly and discreetly yelled "what the fuck did you shit yourself?", Eric threatened to remove some limb, I can't recall which, as he waddled past me, and thats when I barreled over laughing, it was a bad day to wear khakis, and it wasn't something discreet either, it chose the right leg as it's highway out of his pants and left a long, horrid, chunky smear down the leg to a small pool at his ankle/inside his shoe.
Eager to help my fellow employee in a difficulty situation, I broke down laughing, literally rolling o the floor laughing, as everyone else looked on and poor Eric waddled slowly to grab his coat, leaving a shit stain wherever his right foot landed.
Long story short he called HR and said I handled it poorly, although they too were laughing at they read out the report he filed, all in all I get a week off, what shall I do friends?
Eric also spends the rest of his day complaining to management about anyone and everyone, all the while bragging about his girlfriend, a coworker who at one time was cute, but years of being catered to has left her with the dreaded gut cunt, or gunt if you will. We decided to get back at him, and Josh our lovable hefty coworker hasn't been laid in a while, clearly Gunt and Josh needed to knock boots. I arranged the scheduling so Eric's training would take him till midnight, and gave Gunt, Josh and a few of our colleagues an early night, to the bar we go, and literally in 3 drinks Gunt was blowing Josh out back, when Eric finally arrived. In a fit of threats and tears he left, Josh told Gunt to GTFO as well, and we enjoyed our evening ignoring the fact we just partook in childish high-school drama.
The next day Josh was let go due to complaints from another coworker about behavior towards him. Josh was pretty devastated, and by that he laughed, he'll make as much on unemployment as we do, but he can sit around all day fucking Gunt.
Even though we technically started this, we felt we had to get even, and if classic office/university movies have taught me anything, they only way to break even is to use exlax. I'm not sure on what the effective dose is, but apparently 6 tablets in a coffee left unattended is too many. Our work bathrooms are actually in another office, which closes after 6, it's a long walk to the next serviceable location, the time to strike was now.
A clearly audible stomach grumble, sounding akin to a dying calf announced that stage 2 of the plan was in effect, Eric cursed, left his work station unattended (which is against company policy and part of my weekly review notes) and ran, ran like the wind, nearly knocking over a preggo girl in the process. I went out for a smoke break with a few friends and came back to Eric waiting at the main entrance, teary eyed and beat red. Apparently he forgot his swipe card to gain access inside, being the dutiful employee I am, I advised him to look at the sign on the right, that says no entry without a security card, Eric than punched me square in the chest.
Before I had a chance to complain, or retaliate, the smell hit me, a god awful smell of shame and digested mac and cheese, I calmly and discreetly yelled "what the fuck did you shit yourself?", Eric threatened to remove some limb, I can't recall which, as he waddled past me, and thats when I barreled over laughing, it was a bad day to wear khakis, and it wasn't something discreet either, it chose the right leg as it's highway out of his pants and left a long, horrid, chunky smear down the leg to a small pool at his ankle/inside his shoe.
Eager to help my fellow employee in a difficulty situation, I broke down laughing, literally rolling o the floor laughing, as everyone else looked on and poor Eric waddled slowly to grab his coat, leaving a shit stain wherever his right foot landed.
Long story short he called HR and said I handled it poorly, although they too were laughing at they read out the report he filed, all in all I get a week off, what shall I do friends?
