Big ball of lies and crap.

Discussion in 'Films, TV, Music, Books, Etc.' started by tigerlily521985, Aug 3, 2010.

  1. tigerlily521985

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    The Return:
    An outlandish, unbelievable tale of lies, deceit, deception and questionable moral content. And that's just the following text, not even the story.



    One day, long ago, there was a meadow.


    Hi, I'm JCD. As you all may be aware, I have been absent from 'round these parts for many months now, as has the lovely Tigerlily. The reason for this is quite simply that I hate this place and it's boring and crap now
    and why is it still fucking white, I want it to be dark again because I'm allllllergic to light and fuck you. So. Where were we? Oh yeah.

    So there we were stuck in the middle of Russia, with heavily armed attack dogs with big ass rocket launchers and AK's strapped to them after us. I shouted and they heard and started laughing and then said:
    "Gee, you aren't so bad, I won't kill you." Then they went away. Hang on, I need some tea. Lovely. So anyway, the attack falcons with tanks and stuff had just left and I heard a noise behind me that sounded like a
    small woman being strangled in the face with a rope gargling mouthwash! I whirled around to find a small woman being strangled in the face with a rope. But she was just gargling vodka, so I was wrong and I'm an idiot
    and have to flay myself in the back with spiked leather straps as punishment. Tigerlily will write the next part while I abuse myself.


    So, after we escaped from whatever the shit he was just talking about, we went to a Star Wars convention and met R2-D2 and Boba Fett. And we saw a cantina band and didn't get to meet Darth Vader because he was too good to be there or something. Jerk. We were so looking forward to seeing him, but he ditched us because he doesn't love us. Oh well, Jeremy Bulloch was really cool. The other two people who were there (I honestly can't remember which ones they were) didn't have many people standing in line to see them and we felt kind of bad for them since Jeremy and Kenny had huge lines. We were thinking of going to say hi and stuff to them, but then we decided not to because they might think we wanted their autographs and we didn't want to give them our money. Especially since I really didn't care about them. Anthony's turn again!

    So the fucking asteroid was coming right for me and shit and I was "I SHALL BE THE SAVIOUR!" It didn't listen so just as it was about to hit and wipe out all life on earth except for people in bunkers and cockroach-human hybrids, I pimp slapped that bitch right in the face and it died and went flying into the sun and the sun exploded and it was about to kill everyone but I shat out stuff and blew it towards the sun and it blew back in on itself and was born again like those people who go to church and get reborn, which must be really fucking messy and awkward as shit. I can hardly fit into a small cupboard to hide from Tigerlily when she gets drunk and abusive and starts shouting 'bout how she "gonna cut me up like a lemon", never mind a womb.

    So.

    At this stage our plane had crashed on an island, like in GR survivor, but not gay because we were involved. Tom Hanks was there with a football and we bitchslapped that mo'fo and stole his cave. He was all like Gollum after that and used to scutter around on all fours outside the cave with Wilson. I hated Wilson the most, he was such a prick. Then we got off the island somehow and whatever. TL's turn.


    So then we realized that the Borg had gone back in time and were going to assimilate the people of Earth before first contact (not the movie, the happening... also not the movie [the happening {it was shit}] but the event.) was made with aliens. And since we were on the Enterprise, we thought we should help stop that from going down. So JCD fucking ate the Borg! The whole fucking collective! And they were all like "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." And he was all like "Assimilate this, bitch!" And he just ate them. It was weird. After our victory, we decided to treat ourselves by buying a bunny. We named her Meryl after Meryl from Metal Gear Solid. She looks just like her. She even has her hair. JCD?

    Yes?

    Europe.

    There was cheese. We were in a pickle. I wasn't quite sure how we came to be trapped in such a small piece of food, but there you are. In front of your monitor. Probably touching yourself at how awesome this story is. Go on, touch yourself. Think of Tom Hanks and touch yourself. Dirty bitch. I once touched myself while listening to a cd that had very peaceful music on it. Megadeth or something. Or Kylie Minogue. Did you know there's a band called Dananananananananananakroyd? Neither did I until I found out there was like you just did. Listen to them. They have a song called Ghostbusters, which is based on a game or something and Bill Murray sings the lead or something maybe. I once touched myself to Bill Murray, several times. Like when I watched Zombieland. Woody and Bill in the same movie? Mmmm. Speaking of Woody, I want to watch Toy Story 3. And probably touch myself. Except Tom Hanks is in it. I was kinda hoping he'd have died on the island, but whatever. TL made me watch the LOST finale. I was actually just too lazy to get up and leave but it's always more fun to blame people on things. It was almost as crap as the rest of the show and by almost I mean certainly. Load of crap. I hope he dies in Toy Story 3 but that would kinda be a downer and it would make me think of Woody from Zombieland and ED dying because Tom Hanks plays Woody in Toy Story. Tiggerlaly?

    I would just like to say that I did not think the finale of LOST was crap. I mean, it wasn't great. It was okay to watch and stuff. It made me sad, but I don't think it was complete crap. I was a bit disappointed by how they decided to go, but it was still okay.

    Anyway, so there we were, surrounded by Irish sheep.


    -Don't tell them anything about that.

    Okay, fine! Hmmm, what else? Oh yeah! One day JCD turned into a witch and was wearing this outfit that looked like he had grown really long hair and just wrapped it around his body. He said it was a demon or something, but I think

    -Stop lying to these fine people, it's obvious you're just trying to talk about Bayonetta. Jesus, who the fuck is gonna believe that?

    They might believe me! Do you guys believe me? I was there. I saw it happen. Believe me damnit!

    Umm, what else? So we played a bunch of games, obviously. Like Bayonetta and Borderlands and Mass Effect 1 and 2 and Onechanabara and stuff like that. As well as some shit games like Blue Dragon and Turning Point. Yeah, we only played Blue Dragon for about 5 minutes, 10 at the most, but bleh. It looked cute. And now the Xbox is broken so we can only play the PS3. You should buy us a new Xbox and send it to us. That would be swell.


    It would be great if there was a game in which Final Fantasy 7 and 8 were combined and all the characters except Tifa, Yuffie, Aeries and Quistis were removed and it wasn't an RPG but a sex simulator. That would be awesome and Square Penix would make lot's of money. It's a shame Japan doesn't have real money though, only silly stuff like monopoly money where a million euro/dollars/pounds is equal to a bagitrillion Japan money. They have awesome schoolgirls though and you can get videos of them kissing, it's apparently the primary purpose of the internet which is why the internet is my best friend and I left GR because I've never once seen at least a picture of Japanese schoolgirls kissing so you lot are all missing the point of internet communication you idiots. I wish I was a Japanese schoolgirl called Tifa and my friends Yuffie and Aeries and Quistis came around to help me with my homework and one thing led to another and the next thing I know I'm being arrested for wearing the skin of a Japanese schoolgirl.

    You know, I am sitting right here!

    We then had to solve the mystery of the ghost of the immigration office. When we first got there, we couldn't do anything. We had to get a number and wait. So we did wait, but we got sick of it and decided to do some investigating elsewhere to see if there were other clues or something. And we came back a few hours later, but still nothing. So we left again and came back again and left again and came back until finally we had been waiting for over 6 hours. And then we interrogated a guy who worked there and found out... it was an octopus wearing a tophat and carrying a mouse in his front pocket. Dun dun dun!


    There was once a time long ago when an event occurred wich changed the course of history forever. This event? The creation of the universe. Recently an event occurred which was even more important, which will have even further reaching consequences. This was the start of my official countdown to the release of Deus Ex 3. Upon the games release, I shall impart upon the world the most furious and terrible rain of destruction possible. The sky will turn blue and water shall fall from it, rivers will run quickly and to the sea, mountains will stretch up into the air and animals will go about their daily business, not even remotely doing anything close to falling from the sky. I mean seriously, there are so many unofficial FF7 and FF8 hentai games, surely Square has to see that there is a market for this? I alone would probably buy 1200 or so copies of the game. Just no Selphie or Rinoa, I don’t like them. Speaking of that, why haven’t Team Ninja dropped the pretext and just straight up released Dead or Alive: Extreme Lesbian Sex? Why don’t all the developers with awesome female characters in their games not come together and develop a lesbian game with all of ‘em? Lara Croft on Bastila Shan, Samus Aran on Kasumi, Tidus from FF10 (don’t tell me it ain’t no girl) on… a clone of Tidus from FF10. Also Tifa and…

    Still sitting beside me huh? Kay, I’ll stop. At least Longo knows what I mean eh? EH? Speaking of him, thanks for fucking visiting us you bitch. Left me crying alone in a corner for two weeks.

    In closing, I hope you’ve all taken something very important from this tale. Don’t mess with ze Germans. G’Night!

    Oh and Toy Story 3 made me cry like a bitch.


    Postscript: This was written when we were not drunk and as such I wish we hadn't written it. I'm being forced to post it though, so whatever. I still hate you all, except for some of you. But I even hate the ones I don't. Hate.
     
    #1
  2. Lien

    Lien Rookie

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    did he drop any loot?
     
    #2
  3. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    Is this good? I cant be arsed to read it all.
     
    #3
  4. JCD

    JCD Rookie

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    Of course it's good if I made it. The gall! The sheer gall!
     
    #4
  5. Chris_Crime

    Chris_Crime Rookie

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    preface self-indulgent bullshit with reasons you hate the website you used to moderate, the website you're currently posting your self-indulgent bullshit on.

    continue with self-indulgent bullshit. now in Technicolor.

    await adulation, praise, and an invitation for a renewed mod tenure.
     
    #5
  6. Chris_Crime

    Chris_Crime Rookie

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    tl;dr

     
    #6
  7. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    Ha, that did get good!

    You dont like Selphie?! Dude, she's like the Jailbait schoolgirl you would SO do if it was legal.

    But you bad-mouthed Tom Hanks and wilson...even as a joke that is SHAMEFUL!

    Also, isnt it like 4pm there and you're drunk?!...I wish I was Irish :(
     
    #7
  8. JCD

    JCD Rookie

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    Yes, but the problem with you is that you're useless.

    And yes MattAY, I'm kinda regretting making fun of them. Upon reflection, I would like both of them as friends.
     
    #8
  9. MattAY

    MattAY Forum Moderator
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    Heh heh! Glad to hear you guys are frosty!
     
    #9
  10. JCD

    JCD Rookie

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    As you'd say in the military, we're just fine!
     
    #10
  11. Chris_Crime

    Chris_Crime Rookie

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    Welcome back!
     
    #11
  12. De-Ting

    De-Ting Rookie

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    Are you sure you're not Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta Oscar Mike Tango X-ray?
     
    #12
  13. schimmel

    schimmel Rookie

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    Welcome back you Irish biggot! Now stop complaining about the unchangable (the white background) and jump back in and enjoy the orgy that is GR!
     
    #13
  14. Trippysmurf

    Trippysmurf Rookie

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    I was really hoping for Juicy Gossip.

    I stopped reading after about Chris_Crimes' tl;dr.
     
    #14
  15. JCD

    JCD Rookie

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    I loves you all. :D
     
    #15
  16. UghRochester

    UghRochester https://www.twitch.tv/ughrochester

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    So basically we're hated and yet loved...welcome back!
     
    #16
  17. Bretimus_v2

    Bretimus_v2 Hey kiddo!

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    One question...did you really buy a bunny? And if it really has hair like Meryl, I would've thought a guinea pig would be the choice rodent.
     
    #17
  18. Longo_2_guns

    Longo_2_guns Forum Moderator
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    Ah, so you two are finally back. Tell me, has Tigerlily gotten JCD pregnant yet with a baby that you're going to name after me?
     
    #18
  19. LinksOcarina

    LinksOcarina Rookie

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    I would attempt some type of humor here....but I would just suck at it.

    Glad you guys came back!
     
    #19
  20. MikeyVassallo

    MikeyVassallo Rookie

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    So did y'all fuck, or what?
     
    #20

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